a hurtful remark

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(google images)

Hmmm, what to do when someone lets you know of a hurtful remark someone else has made that is directed at you.

This is what happened to me yesterday. The person that shared this information has done this to me often. It’s someone who loves me deeply, so the question that begs to be answered is, why would she do it? But she’s not unique. There are lots of people like her. People who seem intent on hurting your feelings. They operate from their own deep pain. And instead of saying something themselves when they might have to face your anger, they make sure the anger is directed to someone else.  Have you had it happen to you?

The person who told me the remark is very passive aggressive. For some strange reason, my happiness is something she has seemed determined to stab at on occasion.  The person who supposedly made the remark is someone who  is difficult to understand at times. Our friendship began because of a family connection. It has since changed to that of a friendship without that particular tie. I’m sure she said what she did as it rings true with remarks I’ve heard her make myself.  But I think I understand how she meant it and I choose to believe our friendship is genuine.

What do you think I’m going to do? If you’ve read my posts, you know I hate ambiguity. I believe in confronting issues. But I’m learning that talking things over isn’t always the best for me. And frankly, these days, I’m doing what’s best for me. That may sound selfish and self-centered but it’s anything but. One of the best ways for us to love others is to make sure we don’t put ourselves in harm’s way. The Christian Bible says in Proverbs 4:23,

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it”.

I believe this means we avoid placing ourselves in situations that continue to do us harm. I want what flows from my heart, all the things I do, say, and feel, to come from a place of peace. It’s not only best for me, it’s best for everyone in my circle of family and friends.

I’m choosing not to make an issue of it. For one thing, I wasn’t there. There’s all those nuances and vibes floating around that I wasn’t privy to.  Secondly, I think I know why she said what she said and it’s perfectly understandable in light of other things she’s said. Should the opportunity present itself in a natural way, I might address it but I feel no compulsion to do anything more.

As far as the person who divulged the information, she speaks from her own hurt and  mixed motives. She’s not going to change. She doesn’t want to. She has suffered from severe depression all her life and just cannot let some things alone. She never forgets a hurt. I’m choosing to be merciful to her. It won’t be easy as she’ll undoubtedly bring it up again and ask if I’ve addressed it but I’ll deal with that when the time comes.

I’m not a saint that I am able to do this. There’s nothing special about me. I’m no more capable of demonstrating mercy than anyone else. I’m sure I’ve said things that could be taken out-of-context as well. What I am capable of is not getting caught up in unnecessary drama. That’s why I’m choosing mercy. It’s for me as much as it is for them.  We always have choices. I’m picking and choosing my battles carefully these days. I feel good about this.

Have any of  you met someone like this? Someone who is really passive-aggressive? If so, I would love to hear from you so we can discuss it.

(p.s. Why the rose picture you might ask. Because it reminds me I want my spirit to be sweet-smelling which means letting go of anger.)