I don’t know anybody who likes to confront, at least not among the people I know. But we’re all going to have to do it at some point in our lives. So, we need to learn to do so with honesty and integrity.

Confrontation is not a bad thing. Honest communication handled with integrity can ensure a positive outcome.

God Confronts

If we need justification, we only have to look at the Bible. The Old Testament abounds with examples. Starting with Adam and Eve, Moses, David, and many others. In the New Testament, Jesus confronted his disciples, the woman at the well, the money-changers, and others.

We know these were done in love, so we know it’s possible for us to do the same. God confronts us all the time in scripture. But we don’t feel condemned. At least we shouldn’t. We should feel loved.

Confrontation isn’t easy. 

I don’t like it anymore than anyone else. I wish I could say that when I have confronted someone, it has always worked out well.  It hasn’t. But when it hasn’t, and I’ve been able to look back on the situation, I’ve realized the relationship (we don’t confront situations; we confront people) was damaged long before the confrontation. The confrontation was only the burial after a lengthy illness.  

But I have also had very successful confrontations. I can think of a number of relationships that have grown much deeper because of shared honesty. I think we’d all do better with more honesty in our relationships. That doesn’t mean a steady diet of confrontation. Who wants that? So how are we to be honest in a way that’s easy to express and not so hard to hear? And how do we maintain our integrity through it all?

First, we have to know what we feel.

Many times, we don’t know how we feel, so we just say anything. I know someone like that; their words often seem like a tangled web. I always wonder what they’re really feeling because what they say is so inconsistent with their body language and what they’ve said or done in the past. They wear a mask, hiding their true emotions beneath layers of ambiguity.

This disparity between their WORDS and actions really makes me feel like I’m talking to someone I don’t know at all. It keeps me uncertain and uneasy around them. Each encounter feels unpredictable. I end up second-guessing every gesture and phrase. I’m caught off guard, and I end up being less than genuine myself as I try to navigate the conversation. I wonder if I’ll ever gain a glimpse of their authentic self.

Confronting someone like that is very difficult, and we may choose not to confront them because we won’t get anywhere. But we should know how we feel anyway.

Second, we have to speak in sync with how we feel.

If we feel a certain way but use words that don’t match our feelings, how can we possibly communicate authentically? Yes, if we are feeling intense negative emotions, we need to carefully choose our words. But we mustn’t pretend we feel other than we do. Christians should be willing to be honest when it’s called for without feeling they are less Christian because of it.

That doesn’t mean we have to be harsh, but it does mean we have to be honest. We can soften the impact of our honesty by showing grace in how we deliver our words. However, that doesn’t mean we back down. More harm is caused through carefully orchestrated words that never address the issue than honest communication ever will.

Fake Apologies

It’s important to consider the intention behind our words and actions before offering an apology. Apologizing solely to avoid conflict or keep the peace may not always address the root of the issue. It might even make it worse because the issue still remains. Self-reflection and honesty with ourselves are crucial components of effective communication and healthy relationships. Taking the time to understand our true feelings and motivations can prevent insincere apologies.

So, don’t be afraid to confront. Just show abundant grace.

God bless each of you.