wondering about my closeness to God
I was praying this morning and I found myself wondering about my closeness to God. Is my relationship with my Father what it should be. I know I’m always growing and never completely arrive but I DO want to be well on my way.
I started thinking about Christians I admire, authors who impress me, pastors, Bible study teachers. How close is their relationship to God? Where am I on the spectrum?
Sometimes I get “down” wondering if my relationship with God is as healthy as it’s supposed to be. I mean how does one know, really? Did the great saints of old and the ones of present ever question this themselves? Or is it just me?
Is it terrible to wonder? I do it because I don’t want to miss something. I’m honestly not trying to pat myself on the back or beat myself up, depending where I fall on the spectrum. I just don’t want to settle if there’s more. Do you know what I mean?
Do you ever do that? I mean compare and evaluate your relationship to God? I hear other people talk about their prayer life, for example, and I wonder how mine compares. I hear people talk about God and it seems like they know Him better than me. That would mean there’s more for me to learn. For me to do.
But what? Pray more? Study more? Reach out more?
I’m not being philosophical here. I truly find myself questioning.
So today I asked God about it.
“God, how close are we? Am I as close to you as say so-and-so? Am I as filled by the Holy Spirit as I should be? Am I praying enough? Loving others enough? Loving you enough? And, God, how do I know? Am I even supposed to know?”
Am I the only person out there who ever questions like this? I would really love to hear from you. I know there are lots of “lurkers” out there because that’s what my stats say. I get it if you don’t always want to comment. I don’t always comment, either. But this is one time I would really like to hear from some of you. Maybe I could put some of my questioning at risk if I heard what others think.
God bless and I hope you have a good day. Enjoy the pics of my garden where all this thinking is presently taking place.
