I blew it

As you know from former posts, I’m the primary caregiver for my eight-nine year old mother. She is a remarkable woman but she has the uncanny ability to get under my skin like no one else.  Mostly because I’m stressed out with the many facets of her care.  I have a brother who lives with her (because he needs to, not for her benefit) that is not nearly as helpful as he should be. Yet, I am glad he’s there as it gives me peace of mind about the evenings.

This morning I was anxious. Have been more so lately so I should’ve been on guard when my mother called.  I’ve learned to avoid talking to my mother in the mornings because she can be very groggy and hard to deal with.  She usually doesn’t have her hearing aids in that early so that causes me great frustration as I have to speak louder and then I sound like I’m yelling. Like this morning.

My brother misread a very clear text (I read it to my mom) and got her up early for what he read as a delivery of a new mattress today. The text said tomorrow. My mom is very cranky if she has to get up before she wakes up on her own.  I’m the one who caught the heat, however,  because I sent the text to my brother this morning, rather than later today. Of course, I sent  it today so I wouldn’t forget and so they would be aware in advance that she would have to get up earlier tommorow.  But somehow it was my fault because I sent the text today and not tomorrow morning! Of course, I was trying to avoid exactly what ended up happening. Seriously, that was the situation.  So you can imagine why I reacted the way I did.  Frustrated doesn’t begin to describe how I felt.  I didn’t say anything awful except for asking me why she was upset with me.

But I still felt awful afterwards-like the worst daughter in the world. I wasn’t yelling but it sounded like it. I quickly went to God and asked forgiveness. Even though what I said was fine, I wish I would have framed it better. My mom is getting frailer all the time and I try so hard to make her life full now that she doesn’t drive. So her behavior this morning was all the more hurtful.

The reason I’m sharing this with you today is to point out how a depressive episode can sneak up on us. It’s times like this when we are feeling so vulnerable that we can generalize our feelings into all areas of our lives if we’re not careful. We rehash and rehash until we’ve talked ourselves right into a depressed mood.  Now remember, a depressed mood is not depression but keep it up for a few weeks and it can certainly end up that way. So what I do the rest of this day is important.

I almost decided to not to what I had planned and feel sorry for myself, watch TV all day and eat ice cream. But I’ve learned this is absolutely the worst way to deal with situations like this especially if you have a history depression. So as soon as I post this, it’s back to the big projects for the day. Painting a french door that goes at the top of the stairs black (Can’t wait to see how it turns out. Black interior doors are all over Pinterest.) Continuing to clear out the basement of unfinished projects, craft supplies that I have hoarded for years, clothes I keep thinking I’m going to alter, dried up paint-you get the picture. Actually, I will be posting the before and after pictures over at “the worminmyapple. com” when I get it all done.

If you are frustrated today, you are in good company.  Just don’t let it lead you down a path that ends up in a place you didn’t want to go.

God bless.

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