Yesterday, I wrote about the importance of using kinder words when we speak to ourselves. But that doesn’t mean we ignore reality or try to pull the wool over someone’s eyes. Kind words should still be honest words.

Don’t Be Deceived

Words have been the vehicle for hate, prejudice, anger, and denial. Some people manipulate themselves and others through very good and wholesome-sounding words. Through the ages, people have been convinced by con artists to invest their money unwisely. Charming men have talked women into getting into their cars. Young people have taken pills they were told were harmless.

An interview you won’t believe.

I watched an Oprah Winfrey interview once (a rare occurrence for me, I might add, but I was curious) showcasing a woman who broke up the marriage of a very prominent politician who had a young family and whose wife was terminally ill at the time. The mistress had his child out of wedlock. Not once, although Oprah consistently tried, did this woman claim any responsibility for destroying this man’s family. She kept referring to the fact that she was living “her truth,” whatever that meant. When asked if she felt she had in any way hurt the wife of the man she’d had an affair with, she said, “You’d have to ask her.”

I sat with my mouth open as I listened to her. She was doing exactly what I’m going to propose but for all the wrong reasons. Her life-affirming words were a convoluted attempt to convince the audience (and herself) of her innocence. I doubt anyone, even the most “there’s no such thing as absolute truth” individual, bought any of it. But she did. That I don’t doubt. 

She actually convinced herself she had done nothing wrong and talked herself right out of feeling any guilt. Even Oprah found it hard to juxtapose the honorable, good-sounding words the woman spoke with the woman’s abhorrent behavior. We can truly talk ourselves into believing anything. This woman certainly did. It stands as a warning for all of us.

Stick With the Truth

It reminded me that while I am encouraging us to use more uplifting, edifying words I am certainly not suggesting we use these words to deny or otherwise disguise the truth. There is absolute truth and absolute right and wrong. When I suggest using positive, self-affirming words, it’s because this is what God Himself does when He communicates with us.

Sometimes, the words God uses in scripture appear harsh, and certainly, Jesus used some harsh words, but they were full of love. We get in God’s way when we use damaging words, especially in reference to ourselves. None of the suggestions I make in this book are meant to manipulate others. My intent is not to make anyone, including ourselves, just feel better but to actually initiate life-changing behaviors that draw us into a closer relationship with the Originator of all truth. 

It is important to approach scripture and teachings with a spirit of love and respect, understanding that the words may, at times, be challenging but are ultimately meant to guide us toward a deeper relationship with God. Using damaging or manipulative words, whether towards others or ourselves, is not in alignment with the message of love and transformation that God encourages. Instead, our words and actions should be guided by a desire to bring about positive change and growth in our lives, leading us closer to the source of all truth and love.

Words Are Powerful

Words are powerful. Let me repeat: Words are powerful. They matter. Spoken words were powerful enough to bring the world into existence, “And God said,” and they were powerful enough to open the door to eternity for all who believe, “It is finished.”  

I never realized just how important the words coming out of my mouth were until I listened to myself. You’d be amazed at how unaware we can be concerning our choice of words. We can’t possibly experience healthy emotions when what is coming out of our mouths are words of hate, greed, and self-absorption. 

Words Can Be prophetic

The connection between the words we speak and how our minds interpret them is amazing. Our minds do not sift through our statements to see if they’re accurate or not. If we say, for example, “I can’t handle this,” our brain says, “Uh-oh, she can’t handle this. We need to be in agreement here, so let’s dish up some anxiety and fear.” Negative words create negative feelings, and there are few times when negative words serve any purpose at all.

Words Create Environments

It’s truly eye-opening when we take the time to listen to our own words and reflect on their impact on ourselves and others. Being mindful of the language we use can help us cultivate more positive and healthy communication habits. By choosing words that are kind, empathetic, and uplifting, we can create a more harmonious environment for ourselves and those around us. Awareness of our words is the first step towards fostering a more positive and fulfilling life.

I’m not minimizing the negative situations we find ourselves in. I’m not suggesting we pretend that things aren’t what they are. It’s never a good idea to stick our head in the sand and try to make something good that simply isn’t. Despite the book, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff. And in smaller print, “And it’s all small stuff”, it’s not all small stuff.  Some of what we go through is very big stuff. But that’s all the more reason to watch the words we use. 

Some examples

I was listening to a friend not too long ago who struggles with depression. Her life is a lot of big stuff. But I started paying attention to the words she was using, and after listening for about fifteen minutes, I interrupted her to ask if she had been listening to what was coming out of her mouth. She hadn’t.

Everything she said only reinforced what she was already feeling. The more she used defeated words, the more defeated she felt. She consistently used phrases such as “I can’t,” “It won’t make a difference,” “The situation is hopeless,” “I don’t know what to do,” and “It will never change.” I’ve been there myself, so I know how easy it is to fall into that trap.

Another example from my own life

I remember vividly a particularly hectic week when I found myself using self-defeating words. I’d just returned home from a trip, and in thirty- six hours, I would be driving my husband back to the airport, an hour away. Then I would proceed to drive about three more hours to give a friend some much-needed help in getting her mother’s house ready to sell. Two days later, I would come home for three days, teach a Bible study, and then proceed across the state for my daughter’s baby shower. That didn’t count a myriad of other responsibilities.

After a glorious, restful week of writing, reading, and praying, I felt like I’d walked into a whirlwind. My prior wonderful week was fast becoming a distant memory. I heard what I was saying to myself, “How am I going to do all this?” “I’m overwhelmed”, I complained to my husband. At no time did I sound empowered, and the more self-defeating words I used, the more defeated I felt. And I’ve done all the research! I should know better by now.  

I quickly reprogrammed my words and considered how I could manage it all. Writing it all down really helped. When I examined all my tasks, I was able to come up with a plan that made a lot of sense. Pretty soon, I was feeling empowered. I realized that the very process of thinking it through and making a detailed plan was, of course, God enabling me. One of the ways God leads us is through our own thinking and imagination.

More tomorrow.

Words Create Perspective

Instead of saying, “I’m overwhelmed”, say something like, “I’m feeling overwhelmed, but that doesn’t mean I am overwhelmed. I can do this. God will direct me just like he always does. What needs to get done will get done.” It usually does. Get done, that is. This approach works when we know what we’re doing is part of God’s plan.

I would suggest if we continue to feel overwhelmed about our schedule even after we change our speech and develop our plan, it might be that some of what we’re doing is not in God’s plan and we may need to rethink our agenda. Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,” refers to those situations God has brought about, not the ones we’ve brought on ourselves.

God’s word is full of admonitions about the words that come out of our mouths. James says if we can harness our tongue, we can pretty much do anything. Jesus said it’s what comes out of our mouth that condemns us. Why?

Because what comes out of our mouth reveals what’s in our hearts. Take time to look up every verse in scripture that uses the words “speech, words, and tongue,” and you will probably be surprised how much attention God gives to this principle.

‘Spirit’ Words

I’ve been thinking. We know that the Bible was given to us to reveal God’s love for all mankind.  But I wonder if another reason could be because our human words can fail to express our deepest hurt or our most outlandish praise. We can read some portion of scripture, and it expresses what we can’t. It’s a way to give our thoughts wings, a way to express hurts and fears that run so deep we can’t express them, but they take up residence in us anyway, gnawing away a syllable at a time.

The Psalms, especially, strike a responsive chord with us. Often, I’ve read the Psalms, and it’s as though the needed words have leaped off the page, captured my darkest feelings, and carried them to the Hosts of all the Heavens on word-filled wings. Can’t you just envision it?  

Use God’s own words

There is no better way to express our fears, hopes, and dreams than through the very words God himself penned. Every descriptive-filled word God inspired is for our benefit. When Scripture talks about the Holy Spirit interceding in prayer, I believe it means there are words unknown to man, so unknown that we can’t even make the sounds.

Could it be that we were designed to hit a wall of confusion and ambiguity, a “wall of no words,” so we are compelled to turn to the Holy Spirit for intercession on our behalf? I sometimes think I will knock myself out; I’ve run into that wall myself so many times!   

Here’s a real-life example. When my husband and I are falling asleep, he circles me with his arms and we are like two spoons. Every time (and I do mean every time) he does that, I smile. Sometimes I say to him, “Guess what I’m doing?” and he answers sleepily, “Smiling.” But I’ve yet to find exactly the right word to tell God how thankful I am for him. I think it’s a word that is so sweet and so full of love; God is holding onto it for me. When he reveals it to me in eternity, once again, I will smile. 

Feelings Follow Words

Scripture never teaches that we have to feel or think anything first before we say or do the right and loving thing. We are told to love, but we aren’t told we have to feel loving before we act. We’re told to forgive, but we aren’t told to feel all mushy inside first. We’re told to live a godly life, but we’re not told we have to wait until we feel holy. I’m a firm believer that, for the most part, attitudes follow actions.

Sadly, though, as we discussed earlier, there are people in this world who spit out beautiful words to mislead or hurt others. Even in those scenarios, however, the dissonance between words and actions will eventually become clear to the astute observer. 

You’ll be amazed how your feelings will change when you change your word choices. When our feelings change, it seems like controlling our thoughts makes life easier.

Start changing the way you talk.

Start changing the way you talk, and you will start changing the way you think. Changing the way you think changes the way you behave. These new behaviors are so intertwined that eventually, they become circuitous, and they all work seamlessly together. Some days, I found I’ve had more success with changing my behavior first, other times, my thoughts first, but overall, it seemed changing the way I talk has the most immediate and observable benefits in my mood. The point is to keep this circle going. Step into it anywhere but be sure to step in it somewhere.

If you are currently depressed, I’d like to convince you to try changing just this one dimension, if only for a day, and see if you notice any change. Were you to consult a counselor, guess what they will be listening to the most? Yes, that’s right. Your words. Counselors know the words you use and the ones you don’t reveal a lot about you. So why not try to listen to yourself? You might be able to cut out the middleman.

Some Examples:

“I shouldn’t have said that.” TO “I’m human. It’s true, I spoke out of turn, but I can apologize and learn from this. I can make a conscious choice to watch my words in the future.” (Ephesians 4:29)

“I can not figure this out.” TO “I will keep trying, and when I’ve exhausted all possibilities, I can ask for help. That doesn’t mean I’m incompetent; it means I’m resourceful”! (Philippian 4:13)

“I wish I was as pretty as her, as handsome as him.” TO “I am who God created, and everything God created is beautiful. I can take good care of myself, look as good as I can, and accept myself or make myself miserable by always comparing myself to others.” (Psalm 139:14)

“Why am I so stupid.” TO “I am not stupid. I have unique talents and abilities because God gives everyone unique talents and abilities. Maybe I need to look harder to find mine.” (Romans 12: 6-8)

“I can’t keep my eating under control.” TO “Yes, I can. If other people can, I can, too. If I really can’t, I can get some help.” (I Corinthians 6:19-20)

“Why can’t I get a handle on my depression/anxiety?” TO “I can. There are all kinds of therapies to help, counseling, and/or medication. I can talk to my pastor. I’m not defined by this illness. I refuse to think I can’t beat this. God doesn’t want this for me. He will provide the resources I need to get better.” (Psalm 42:11)

“‘Why do I let people walk all over me?” TO “I don’t have to. I am doing this to myself. I can learn to the skills necessary to stand up for myself in healthy ways.” (Daniel, chapter one.)

“Why aren’t I a better ? TO “I can be a better ????? because God says, I am the apple of his eye. That means he will equip me to be a better ??????” (Isaiah 43:18)

“Why can’t I cook like ? “ TO “This is something I can learn. And really, why is it so important to me? I just need to take more time. I’ll phone a friend when I’m in a pinch.” (This is me. But my husband says I make a mean salad!) (Ephesians 2:10)

“Why am I so self-conscious.” TO “I’m self-conscious because I’m thinking too much about myself. Maybe that’s wrong. Besides, what makes me think other people are looking at me anyway. I need to get over myself!” (Romans 12:3)

Until next time…

Blessings to each of you.

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