How to really evaluate a struggling friendship

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A friendship, like any relationship, requires nurturing, understanding, and effort to thrive and flourish over time. They enrich our lives, providing companionship and support, but sometimes, despite our best intentions, friendships drift, change, or even become toxic, leading to feelings of discomfort or resentment.

But before I go any further, I hope you have read enough of my posts to know that I am writing from a Christian perspective, which means I believe that, as with all areas of our lives, prayer and Bible study are the most important tools we have. Certainly, no less than when discussing friendship.

Recognizing these shifts in dynamics is crucial; knowing when and how to end a friendship can be a difficult but necessary step for your own well-being and mental health. This process often involves careful reflection, as it’s essential to assess whether the friendship is still serving a positive purpose in your life.

It’s not always black and white, and the decision to end a friendship shouldn’t be taken lightly, as it may be accompanied by feelings of grief, loss, and uncertainty about moving forward.

It's not always black and white, and the decision to end a friendship shouldn't be taken lightly, as it may be accompanied by feelings of grief, loss, and uncertainty about moving forward. Share on X

This post isn’t about petty squabbles or temporary disagreements. It’s about those deeper, more fundamental shifts that can make a friendship feel more like a burden than a source of joy. If you’re grappling with the question of whether or not to end a friendship, here are some things to consider:

Signs it Might Be Time to Re-evaluate a Friendship

Consistent negativity

Is your friend constantly complaining, gossiping, or bringing you down? If interactions leave you feeling drained and emotionally exhausted more often than uplifted, it’s a red flag. No one likes to be around a complainer. But at times, we all need to complain a little. This is not that.

This is a constant barrage of negativity. No one likes to be around a negative person. They drag us down. This is not the person who just needs to get something off their chest now and then. That is what friends are for. But it shouldn’t be a constant thing.

(A thought here: remember you are one of two people in a friendship. Everything I write about today is meant for you to use to honestly evaluate yourself as well.)

Lack of support

foggy/friendship

Are they there for you during tough times? A true friend celebrates your wins and offers comfort during your losses, standing by your side when the world feels heavy. They listen without judgment, providing a safe space for you to share your struggles and fears. But they’re also honest and won’t hesitate to let you know if you are about to make a big mistake. They love you enough to risk your anger.

If you feel your friend is consistently absent, it's a sign of imbalance, indicating that the friendship may not be as reciprocal as it should be. Share on X

A genuine connection involves mutual support, where both individuals can rely on each other in times of need, fostering a relationship built on trust and understanding.

I have found that most friends are really good in times of trouble and loss but not so good at sharing in your wins. It’s that green-eyed monster. We are to be glad when our friends experience success in their life. And we are to express it to them. But jealousy often rears its green head. And you can tell when someone is jealous. In my book, jealousy is the worst thing. If I sense someone is jealous, it’s like they’re suggesting I didn’t work hard for my success.

Breach of trust in a friendship

Has your friend betrayed your confidence, spread rumors about you, or acted in a way that fundamentally damaged your trust in them? Rebuilding trust can be incredibly difficult, and sometimes, the damage is irreparable. I have never personally experienced this, but I know many have. I can’t image how betrayed a person might feel to find out someone has spread false rumors about them. However, I would say that was never a friendship anyway.

Feeling manipulated or controlled

Do you feel pressured to do things you’re not comfortable with? Does your friend try to control your decisions or isolate you from other friends and family? This is a serious red flag and a sign of a toxic relationship. Don’t give this friendship another precious minute. This is a dangerous person. Enough said.

One-sided effort in a friendship

Are you always the one reaching out, making plans, and initiating conversations? A healthy friendship is a two-way street where both parties actively engage and contribute. If you’re consistently putting in more effort than your friend, it can lead to feelings of resentment and burnout that ultimately threaten the relationship. This doesn’t mean we should adopt a tit-for-tat approach, as genuine friendships often mean the responsibility of reaching out is passed back and forth. For example, if a friend is going through a tough time, it is understandable for you to initiate contact and provide support.

However, it’s essential to recognize that these challenging moments cannot define the entirety of the friendship; no one is continually in distress. A balanced friendship should allow for both individuals to share responsibilities, initiate contact, and support each other, ensuring that both feel valued and heard. I find that if I’m having a tough time and feel the need to be by myself, I make sure my friends know it has nothing to do with them.

How to End a Friendship (If You Decide To):

Consider the context

How long have you been friends? What’s the nature of your relationship? These factors will influence your approach.

Direct

If you feel it’s appropriate, and if you feel the other party is going to listen, you can have an honest conversation with your friend about why you’re choosing to end the friendship. Be respectful and avoid blaming or accusatory language. Focus on your own feelings and needs. For example, “I’ve realized that our lives are heading in different directions, and I need to focus on my own path.”

But I must add a caveat here. While this might be what you want to do because there’s so much you want to say, I don’t think it’s the best one. I used to think that things always had to be talked out if there was going to be a resolution to an issue. While I still think a discussion is usually good, when it comes to a friendship that is deeply flawed, no matter the reason, it seems that the two people involved are already aware anyway.

Either party could’ve discussed the friendship before it got to this point, but neither one chose to. When a friendship has deteriorated over a long time, someone has probably been disingenuous. So it’s doubtful there will be honesty now. I think the next approach is far better.

Gradual fading

Sometimes, a clean break isn’t necessary or possible, especially when relationships have deep roots that can’t be easily severed. In such cases, you can gradually reduce contact and interaction over time without causing too much upheaval. This method allows both parties to adjust to the change rather than facing an abrupt end.

By consciously choosing how and when to connect, you can create a healthier distance while allowing for the possibility of a more comfortable relationship in the future, whether as friends or simply as acquaintances. Personally, I think this might be the best way to go to avoid hurt feelings.

What doesn’t work, though, is abrupt “ghosting.” Ghosting is rude and insensitive. It’s coward’s way out.

Accept that it will be uncomfortable.

Ending a friendship is rarely easy. There will likely be feelings of sadness, guilt, or anger that can surface unexpectedly, often leaving you feeling confused and emotionally drained. Take the time to reflect on the reasons behind the ending of the friendship, and remind yourself of the good times. Try to think of your lost friendship as a catalyst for beneficial change in your life. I suggest that if you have no sad feelings about the demise of a friendship, it never was one anyway.

If the friendship ended at your initiation because there was too much hurt in the relationship, take some time to nail down exactly how you got to where you did. Did you expect more than they could give? Had you turned a blind eye for a long time and refused to look the friendship squarely in the face? If so, why?

The reasons we hang on to a failed friendship sometimes have to do with our fear of being alone and lonely, very real fears. But trust me, the pain from loneliness is not as great as the pain of the constant rehashing of the issue.

Prioritize your well-being

Ultimately, your well-being is important. If a friendship is consistently causing you stress and unhappiness, it’s okay to let it go. I’ve had to do this, and it wasn’t easy. I liked this person very much, but I had already been through this once before, so I knew the tell-tale signs. When I sat back and let her take the initiative, she was very slow to do that, and that was what I had expected. In this case, because it was a newer relationship, when she finally did call, wondering why I hadn’t called her, I was able to be frank but kind. She admitted she had this problem, but she didn’t suggest she was going to change anything. I didn’t call her again.

Occasionally, I run into her, and we are genuinely friendly, and I wish her well. But she knows she’s not going to change, and I know that isn’t good enough for me.

Moving Forward

Ending a friendship can be painful, but it can also be a catalyst for growth. Use this time to reflect on what you value in friendships and what you need from your relationships. Surround yourself with supportive and positive people who uplift you and bring out the best in you. Remember, it’s okay to outgrow friendships. Sometimes, letting go is the healthiest thing you can do for yourself.

Some final thoughts about friendships

No, there aren’t always two equal sides to a situation. Don’t be too quick to think that a failed relationship means you did anything wrong. There are many emotionally unhealthy people in this world who leave a trail of hurt people in their wake. But, if you continue to find yourself in this situation, it IS on you. Apparently, you didn’t learn from the last failed one.

For example, I know a number of people who seem to go through this all the time with friends. I ask them, “Who’s the common thread in all of these situations?” Of course, they are. If you have a number of failed friendships in the past, you are the common thread. What is it about you that you keep finding yourself in these situations? Are you expecting your friend to do for you what you should be doing for yourself?

Again, we are one of two people in a friendship. Make sure you are doing your part. If you have to make yourself a note to connect with your friends because you are in a very busy period of your life, then do it. There’s nothing wrong with “penciling” in our connections. In fact, I think that shows just how seriously we take our friendships.

two women sitting on white bench/friendship

Don’t give up on a friendship at the first sign of trouble.

Show grace always. Always give your friend the benefit of the doubt for as long as you can. Give your friends a very long rope, but when they get to the end of it, be willing to have a frank discussion with yourself and reevaluate where you’re heading. If a conversation with them is needed, be sure your words are kind, but say what you mean.

What if you’re the person at the other end and someone is upset with you? Be humble and listen. Be willing to take your fair share of “friendship” responsibility, but don’t take it all.

Hope this helped

I hope this helped some of you today who are struggling with a friendship. It’s far more common than you think. In fact, almost everyone I know has been in this situation, and the sad part is that most of them had no idea why the friendship ended.

That’s why I’m writing a short e-book that will be available soon. There have been friendships I’ve had over the years where I should have immediately addressed some issues, and I didn’t. It could have even been said humorously, like, “The phone works from both ends, you know.” It’s like with any issue: handle it head-on, and problems can be avoided.

God bless and have a great day.