when you want to “cave in”

Earlier this week I posted two articles about managing depression. I’m writing this one right on the heels of those two even though this won’t get published for a few days.

I’m sitting at my computer trying to convince myself that everything I wrote was true because my feelings are lagging far behind at this moment. It feels like I’m a “leap” away from jumping into the pit. A huge part of me wants to quit working for a while, go back to bed, pull up the covers and hibernate till the light shines again.

pulling up the covers
pulling up the covers

But I won’t. There is a time to cry and feel sorry for myself

and I did that over the week-end.

An unwelcome change finally came to fruition. I read something wonderful the other day and I put it somewhere (hopefully I will find it so I can insert here :)) that suggested that the only way to handle change is to really “feel” it in the moment. I did. Saturday, I cried a lot. Yesterday I cried a little. (I almost never cry.)

Today it’s miserable and dark outside and that same darkness wants to blanket my soul. But I can’t let it.

Life is just a lot of “moments” anyway, isn’t it? Add them all up and it’s called “life”. This is some of those unpleasant moments.

So what to do. I could think about those I know who are going through so much worse. Mine can’t even be called “bad” not really because it’s (I think) really good for those I love. But I find that trying to put things in perspective as we are usually encouraged to do isn’t necessary good. It’s kind of like looking at others who are going through worse and almost gloating. Do you know what I mean. So that doesn’t really work. It will when I’m feeling better but not now.

I could “count my blessings” (and I do) but as anyone who has suffered through depression knows, that doesn’t always work either. Besides God knows how blessed I feel so who am I trying to convince.

I could pray longer and more fervently. But there’s nothing in Scripture that suggests longer works. And as far as “fervent” goes, how does one measure that? By how much “weeping and wailing” I do? Some people are simply more fervent, period, so naturally their prayers sound as such.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that there aren’t always quick fixes for “down” moods. I’m not so sure there should be anyway. We are meant to experience all of life. We should experience all of life. Life is all about the ebb and flows. We certainly couldn’t appreciate the flows” without the “ebbs”. (Or is it the other way around?)

ebbs and flows
ebbs and flows

Today’s post is probably the most unedited post I’ve ever written. I wanted to capture exactly how I was feeling this morning without any careful word choice.

I hope it helped someone.

God bless and I really hope you had a good day.

ps Oh, I forgot-what am I going to do today? Put one foot in front of the other. Putz around the house. Take my mom to the hearing-aid place and this will be a high-stress visit today. Fix dinner. Finish up a couple of DIY gifts for two dear friends of mine, etc. As I continue to say often, “Distraction is a wonderful thing”. (And I truly believe it’s one of the ways God intends for us to get through life at times.)

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