I don’t hardly know where to begin.
How do I describe something so tender and meaningful and yet so heartbreaking?
Or even should I?
Should I keep it wrapped up like a present open it later for all of you to share?
I asked myself all these questions before I wrote this post because this is a hard post to write.
Yesterday was an Easter I will never forget.
My mom is getting worse all the time. She cannot feed herself. She’s sleeping more. She is becoming dehydrated.
Yesterday wasn’t really planned but as everyone learned how bad she was, it all just came together. Every child, grandchild, and great-grandchild was at her home yesterday. We all pitched in and brought the ham, sweet potatoes, cheesy potatoes, salads, and of course more desserts than necessary.
I took pictures of everyone with my mom. I would share them with you but my mom is a proud woman and she would never want a picture of her in her present condition all over the internet. I will honor that. Here’s what she looked liked in her twenties. Look at that hair.
But here was the hard part. We all knew that this was almost certainly our last time together with her in her home. I would catch teary-eyed faces unawares on everyone’s face at one point or another. I often had to go to another room to have a good cry as I knew how bittersweet these moments were.
Incredibly, a woman who can’t remember what is said one minute earlier, remembers the whole event. This is the first time this has happened in months. But that’s what love does. It invades our deepest soul and lives there forever. When I think about God’s love for me throughout this period of grief (I swear, I have been grieving for months.), I feel that same miraculous love at a time when I should be falling apart.
There have been so many loose ends to tie up. We’ve had to find and organize all her finances, her insurance papers, her funeral home arrangements (already paid for years ago), schedule the caregivers round the clock and keep it all straight. My mind is on overload and yet I am at peace.
But here’s the really hard part and I’m crying as I write this because it so impacted me at the time. I don’t even know if anyone but me heard it.
As people were leaving, my mom, who hasn’t spoken a full sentence in days, found the strength to wave her hand good-bye while saying, “Bye, everyone.” Do I have to explain why that was so poignant?
Was she just saying good-bye for this occasion or was she really saying “Good-bye.” I will never know but I will never forget the look of love on her face when she said it. Dear God, this watching someone die is hard.
God bless and have a good day. I just can’t write anymore although I had a lot more to say. I want to go visit my mom now.
