Why journals and I have a love/hate relationship

Journals and I have a love/hate relationship. It’s not what you think. Well, maybe it is.

photo of cup beside books

I have a love of paper, journals, scrapbook paper, wrapping paper, homemade paper, garbage bags…..But the hate part is that I feel pressured to fill them all.

Weird, huh? It’s almost, but not quite, an obsession. I’ll admit it. However, I did experience something interesting yesterday at Hobby Lobby. I bought no scrapbook paper, no watercolor paper, no more sketch pads, and no more journals. I salivated but I didn’t buy. So proud of myself.

Proof of the obession of my love/hate relationships

I wish you could see all the blank journals and watercolor paper I have laying around. They’re stored in so many different places I don’t even know where they all are. (It’s a big old farmhouse with three levels, not counting the basement because the attic has a normal ceiling height. So I have a lot of places to “hide” things.)

I’ve always kept journals but never very consistently. I always think it would be fun to come to an estate sale at my house. There would be lots of “oohing” and “aahing” ( I can’t get spell check to correct this word.) if you’re a collector like me.

But I’m doing much better now that I have a simple version of a BUJO. (No, this is not mine. Mine don’t look this good!)

closeup photo of graphing paper

Wouldn’t you know it, I was gathering all my papers and journals together and thinking about how much I like all of it when I ran across a post from Miss Mustard Seed that said the same thing. You can find it here.

Like the author of the post said, I think I felt if my journals weren’t beautiful, if I didn’t have great watercolors to accompany my notes, then I would’ve failed.

But failing is not trying in the first place. I mean we hear it all the time, but how many of us really believe it? Click To Tweet

A fear of failure with my book as well

I can’t tell you how afraid I am that the book I’ve written and soon to be published won’t be well received once it’s “out there.” The writing was easy. I felt very competent to write about depression and anxiety because I’ve experienced it and got beyond it, know many others who have, and am very-well read about the subject. So I was confident where that was concerned.

But to have anyone else read it and be critical of the actual writing scared me to the point of almost quitting. I didn’t though,

Am I still scared? You bet. But if I hadn’t finished it?

Well, I wouldn’t be afraid but I also wouldn’t have been faithful in fulfilling what I believe was God’s directive to me.

Which will it be for you? Fear of failure or faith to feel fear and go ahead anyway?

Don’t have a love/hate relationship with success.

Back to the journals.

Don’t be afraid to write.

Don’t be afraid to doodle or play with paint.

Find your creative self.

Don’t let your life be a blank page.

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